2025: Dispelling Delusion

Hey, y’all – I hope your 2026 is off to a great start!

Today is my 45th birthday – and I am spending it reflecting (as I do every year) on yet another revolution around the sun (“YARATS”?). To those of you who actually read these posts – hello! And – thank you! I love hearing from folks like you who find something here that resonates. So, please do not hesitate to reach out; in a comment, on LinkedIn, or however you know how to reach me (hint: the NAF Slack is a great way to catch me these days).

For those of you new to this – strap in – I’m going to run through my entire year, holiday letter style, and then reflect on my biggest lessons before I touch on the words and goals I set for myself around this time last year.

2025 Highlights

In many ways 2025 was a new beginning for me. Of course that means it followed an ending, and I’ll get to that, although I did cover much of it in last year’s 2024 reflection post.

Without further ado; let’s dive into some highlights from 2025…

• My maternal grandfather (my Mom’s Dad) passed away on 3 January, 2025. A day before the anniversary of my own father’s death 15 years prior. I know what you’re thinking – not really a highlight, right? But here’s the thing; Granddad was 100 years old, he lived a full life, raised 6 kids, got to welcome many (many) grandkids and great grandkids into the world (a few great, great grandkids too), and frankly, was ready to pass on. Add to that the fact that my Mom had been living with him and caring for him full time for a heavy handful of years – even before his wife, her Mom, my grandmother died a couple years back. So, this meant freedom for her, although she certainly didn’t see it that way, I did – and I wrote in my journal the next day that I was happy for both of them. That holds true on reflection. Rest in peace, Tom – I’ll take care of your books.
• In February my wife, Eva and I headed up to Santa Fe, New Mexico for my birthday. We staid a couple days at the Four Seasons on Marriott points (thanks AutoCon!), and I got a couple days on the slopes at Ski Santa Fe. I had a sunny day and then a fresh pow day, and really couldn’t be more satisfied with the experience.
• March started with a site visit to the Austin Marriott Downtown, which we ultimately selected as our AutoCon 4 venue. The trip included a couple great dinners, some live music, a stroll or two along the river, some shopping, and a recording of the Total Network Operations podcast with Scott.
• We continued our Spring travels with a couple weeks down in Progreso / Mérida, on the Yucatán Peninsula. One week on the beach and another in the city. A much needed vacation.
• April brought the Global Peering Forum (GPF) to Denver. My fellow IX-Denver board members and I decided to “give back” to the peering community by sponsoring the event. So, I flew up and had the immense pleasure of presenting on the history of interconnection in Denver!
• May was a big month for me. First, I launched my new advisory services consulting firm: Khadga Consulting. If you are interested in improving network operations to better support your business – check us out.
• I also posted the first of a six part series of articles on the realities of network automation: The Intelligent Network Mandate
• Then came the MIT CIO Symposium in Cambridge, MA. This was a bit of a coming out party for Khadga Consulting and it did not disappoint. I met a bunch of great folks, and learned a lot. The focus of the event was Agentic AI and it was wild to see both the Academic and Executive perspectives on this evolving technology, as well as AI more broadly.
• May is also graduation time – and I raced from Massachusetts over to Colorado to see my youngest son graduate high school; at Red Rocks! As you can imagine, this was not only a highlight of my year, but of my life. I broke the rules and fired off the air horn. Even now I am tearing up thinking about it (pride in my two boys, not in my dad-antics).
• The month wasn’t over yet though. After what was essentially a 24-hour layover at home, Eva and I (and over 600 of my favorite people) headed to Prague, in the Czech Republic, for AutoCon 3. It was yet another record breaking event, and a hell of a good time to boot. Rather than bragging about it myself, you can check out this summary of the attendee feedback. You can also find all the session videos on YouTube and summaries of every talk on the NAF blog.
• Following the event, Eva and I staid in Prague for another week and absolutely loved it! The city is gorgeous, the food is fabulous, and the people were great too. It didn’t hurt that Eva scored yet another fantastic AirBnB – she’s a travel wizard.
• I wasn’t done yet though. This time I got to spend 2 days at home before heading back up to Denver for NANOG 94. If you were there, you already know – IX-Denver partnered with FullCtl to host the second big NetEng event in our backyard in 2025 (GPF and NANOG both in CO in the same year!?!).

Whew, deep breath. We’re halfway through the year! Let’s charge ahead and see what the back 9 looked like (I don’t actually golf, apologies for the appropriation)…

• We kicked off the second half of the year with a 4th of July (US Independence Day) pool party.
• The next week I headed out to Silicon Valley for Network Field Day 38. Great delegates, great presenters, great time.
• I found time to write up some thoughts on the current AI bubble worries before letting July slip away.
• Then, I closed out August with another string of travel, starting with AutoCon 5 site visits in Olso and Munich. I loved both places, got in some awesome runs on beautiful new-to-me trails, and enjoyed spending time with my partner in NAF, Scott Robohn. I even had a couple beers at the bar where Freddy Mercury once spent his birthday, back in the 80s.
• After another (now classic) 24-hour turnaround, I headed back out to Chicago to see System of a Down (SOAD) play Soldier Field with my oldest son, as a slightly belated 23rd birthday celebration. And as a bonus, I got to go out that night with my good buddy (and windy city resident) Jeary Beals, for his birthday.
• No rest for the weary; September kept things rolling with AI Infrastructure Field Day 3.
• And then ABQNOG – where I met my new favorite clients, you know who you are.
• Next, Eva and I headed down to Puerto Vallarta for her birthday and the launch of her new venture: Late Checkout Travel Club. It’s luxury group travel done right.
• Before September ended I published the sixth and final article in my series on network automation for executives: Intelligent Network Organizations: Why Team Structure Trumps Technology
• October brought our 5th wedding anniversary and I (finally) got it right with a really nice El Paso staycation including dinner, a hotel room, and a spa day. The fifth anniversary gift is wood, so I got her a nice wooden jewelry box – which I guess now I have to fill. =)
• Next up was the Gila 50 – my first 50 mile ultra-marathon! It’s the longest I’ve ever run all at once (about 55 miles) and I got to see a family of black bears out on the continental divide trail, plus I met some really great people. Afterwords, Eva and I caught the burro race (Silver Load Scramble) in Silver City. The “DreamStream” we staid in was good fun as well.
• Later that month I attended NANOG 95 and performed my first ever conference “hat trick” – I was on stage thrice: Once for a panel discussion, once for a lightning talk, and once for a full-length presentation.
• November brought AutoCon 4 – our biggest and best NAF event so far! The attendee feedback is available, along with all the slides and videos.
• I was fortunate enough to finish out the year up in Colorado with my family to celebrate Christmas with the first annual Grundemann Holiday Olympics.

Wow. Obviously I am a very happy man. No one lives just highlights though. Let’s keep it real with a look at the lows that came with all those highs.

2025 Lowlights

I really can’t complain. But I can let you know what didn’t go the way I wished.

• My maternal grandfather (my Mom’s Dad) passed away on 3 January, 2025. Yes, this is on both lists. While Grandad was ready to move on, and I’m glad my Mom has been able to as well, loss is loss – numerous people are mourning his death, myself included.
• My front 6 teeth are fake. I was born missing two teeth, and to “replace” them, I have two bridges. In early April one of them broke! I kept the broken piece in my mouth as long as I could while waiting a few days for my dentist appointment. But then, at a lunch with colleagues and friends, it came completely loose. I set it on the tray I was eating BBQ from and when I wasn’t looking an attentive server took it away and threw everything out – tooth and all. So, I spent a weekend missing a front tooth. It stressed me out a little, because this was right before I was set to fly up to Denver to speak at GPF… Luckily my dentist rocks, and he was able to 3D scan and then build the new bridge in his office the same day. Personal crisis averted.
• Later in April a true tragedy struck. Our beloved cat, Mr. Pickles died. It still breaks my heart. He was such a gentle and loving creature. Knowing what to do in his final days and hours was impossible, and in response I wrote a bit about Death and Decision Making. Mr. Pickles the party cat lives on in our hearts and memories.
• At the end of 2024 I made the tough decision to step away from the day to day operations at FullCtl – a niche SaaS startup I had been helping my good buddy Grizz build. I did so with the hope that he would be able to continue the mission and make his software work for those who needed it. Unfortunately it wasn’t to be. He decided to shutter the company in the first half of the year. I take comfort in knowing that all the code was open sourced and released for others to use in their networks. This is the ending that I alluded to above, and endings are hard.
• The final bummer of the year played out into 2026. After that 55 mile run up in New Mexico, I rested and then started training again for a 100 mile race in Panama that I intended to run this month, as a celebration of my 45th year of life. Surprise: I tore my Achilles tendon and have been working to heal it ever since. Ultimately this lead to me dropping out of El Reto del Indio and cancelling my trip to Panama this year. This hit me hard. It felt like failure. And a reminder that I’m “not getting any younger.” Oh well, you get knocked down and you get up again. Onwards and upwards.

The Scales are Falling

Over the past couple years I have been coming to terms with my (non-clinical) anxiety, and building the true self-respect that I didn’t even know I was lacking – thanks Joan Didion. This (like most worthwhile projects) is a journey of self-discovery. And this year, my 45th year, that journey and the intellectual and emotional honesty it unleashed, finally led me to understand just how delusional I’ve been. That’s right, I just realized that I’m not special.

I used to physically cringe when I heard someone talking about being “a regular Joe.” I felt bad for them. How could you aspire to average? How could you even think about yourself that way? How demeaning. How demoralizing. But that’s not actually true, is it? Let’s dig in…

Be Kind to Yourself

First, the truth of positive and negative self-talk, and self-belief. Positive self-talk has been shown to reduce anxiety in performance situations and actually improve performance in sports and academic tasks, as well as enhancing emotional regulation, helping to cope with stress, and supporting behavior change and goal achievement. Likewise, negative self-talk is consistently associated with depression and anxiety disorders, lower self-esteem and self-efficacy, poorer performance outcomes, and increased rumination and emotional distress.

This is something that I probably read somewhere early on, or maybe it was my Mom, or a teacher who told me. In any case, I’ve believed in it fiercely for a long time. It makes sense to me. Whether you chalk it up to the law of attraction or focus on the science of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and cognitive restructuring (CR) one thing seems clear: how you focus and regulate your thoughts, especially your thoughts about yourself, matters. Henry Ford probably summed it up best:

Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right

If you don’t believe you can, you won’t even try, and so you fail before you start. That makes believing in yourself is the quintessential self-fulfilling prophecy. So many of our limitations are self-imposed, and so much of our success is “just” confidence. Self-efficacy is “just” a belief in our ability to influence our world, and it is significantly correlated with higher performance in both academic and workplace settings.

So, please, do be kind to yourself, do believe in yourself, do avoid ruminating on perceived failures or shortcomings, and do focus on your strengths and your capacity to shape the world around you.

Kind, Not Delusional

Of course, like everything, it’s not as simple as: “positive good, negative bad.” First, it appears that unrealistic positive self-talk can backfire, particularly for people with low self-esteem. Telling yourself “I’m the best!” when you don’t believe it may actually worsen your mood. Plus, some seemingly negative self-talk is actually constructive problem-solving: “that didn’t go as well as I had hoped, what went wrong and how can I fix it?” That feels obvious – learning and growth inherently require that we admit that we need learning and growth.

While it may sound, or even feel obvious, it may actually (in my experience) be more elusive than it seems. Over the course of this past year of slow productivity I have found myself uncovering, unpacking, and confronting many persistent delusions that had previously escaped my awareness. In several key areas, my self-image was actually a damaging fabrication. In a variety of ways I believed in my specialness, despite all evidence to the contrary.

One example has been my fight against anxiety. In order to start reducing the frequency and intensity of my anxiousness, and its effects on those around me, I had to first realize and admit that it existed. I have always thought of myself as a “chill guy.” Until very recently, that simply was not true. I thought I was The Dude (“That’s just like, your opinion, man”) but I was really more like Larry David (“What is WRONG with you people?!”).

The Cost of Delusion

But so what? Who cares if we lie to ourselves about who we are? Well, I bet you already have some ideas popping up after reading that last sentence. Allow me to articulate a few of my own…

A big one shows up in how we relate to each other. Unrealistic and perhaps even unfounded belief in my own specialness has tainted many of my relationships over the years. While I have never consciously thought to myself – “I’m better than you” – I am now painfully aware that I have behaved that way. Elitist, looking down, feeling superior… Yes, I’m telling you that I have been an asshole. Hopefully not too often. What’s funny, perhaps ironic, is that this comes from insecurity born of simultaneously believing I was special while knowing, or at least fearing, that I wasn’t.

This leads to another prominent issue caused by self-deception. It holds us back from our potential, just as much as those limiting beliefs can. When you cannot admit, or even see your shortfalls, there is no way to resolve them. As alluded to above, learning requires that we first admit we don’t know. Growth requires consistent practice, but why would I practice if I’m already perfect? This has been the biggest “scales falling from my eyes” revelation of recent months. Not that I thought I was perfect, but that I held so many delusions about who I am that I was, in several important cases, waiting for reality to match my expectation rather than going out and using my self-efficacy to make the changes I want to see in the world.

In addition to holding me back, these delusions created significant personal misery. It sucks to not live up to your own expectations. And when your expectations are built on a house of lies, there is no way to embody them. This reminds me (yet again) of Carol Dweck‘s work on mindset. Letting go of these delusions has allowed me to shift from false “being” to true “becoming.” It also takes the pressure off. I no longer feel inadequate because I can admit that, yes, I am human – with all the messy frailties that implies, across all areas of life. I am not Superman, and I don’t have to be. Insert deep sigh of relief. I am what I am, and that’s good enough.

Words

These realizations didn’t just change how I see myself – they changed how I show up in the world. My three words for 2025 were Create, Deliberate, and Confidence. How did that work out?

Create

I set out to create opportunity and to create value. I think I nailed it. I successfully launched Khadga Consulting to a remarkable reception and couldn’t be happier. Thank you to everyone for your support, and your interest. I’m already knee-deep in a couple really meaningful projects and I’m loving it! I also created the third annual State of Network Automation Survey, which saw a 642% increase in responses – thanks to everyone who participated. I published over a dozen articles, recorded a few podcasts, spoke at a couple conferences, produced a handful of short videos, and overall applied creativity to much of what I accomplished outside of all that. Not to mention the creativity inherent in the process of becoming a better human being through intense retrospection and reflection combined with purposeful action.

Deliberate

This word was a reminder to “be slow to be smooth, so that I can be fast.” It worked. I’ve never felt more relaxed and productive at the same time before. And together they make each other stronger, producing a new to me feeling of well being. At ease. Capable. Honesty and self-reflection has played a role here too. Allowing me to “intentionally choose who to work with, what to work on, and when, how, and where to do it.” And to “choose my own path with purpose and awareness.” I’m spending (well) over half my time working on community projects: OIX, IX-Denver, NAF. And I’m choosing my consulting clients carefully. Projects that are meaningful to me personally. Ideas that I believe in and want to support. I’m finally off the hamster wheel living my own life and–that’s right–I love it. =)

Confidence

Back in 2024, it was revealed to me that I am good enough. That knowing continues to echo through my life. This year’s discovery of my many subconscious delusions is the latest ripple from that moment – the next chapter of the journey that led me there. Realizing that I am not special has opened to me a whole new dimension of confidence. This is completely counterintuitive until you’ve gone through it. How could learning that you are less than you believed yourself to be end up creating more conviction in your self-worth? It turns out that honest acceptance is a stronger foundation than fantastic lies. You can never truly love anything that you don’t see clearly – including yourself.

2025 Goals

Personal accountability time – how did I do against my goals last year?

Fitness

Mind, body, heart, and soul.

• Run: Prepare to run El Reto del Indio on my 45th birthday (in Feb 2026)
  • As mentioned above I failed due to an injury – what I didn’t say is that injury was likely preventable and I’ve learned (yet again) that I am not invincible
  • However – I did complete the Gila 50 – my first ever 50 mile ultra and my longest run to date!
•  Read at least 30 books, including at least 10 physical books
  • I completed 29 books in 2025, and 9 of them were held in my hands and read with my eyes – pretty good =)
•  Rest: Meditate “every” day
  • I continue to fail to do this EVERY day, and honestly my practice suffered a bit this past year – when I’m not running my morning routing collapses and I fail to meditate regularly
  • However, I have started a nice mini-meditation breathing practice (a form of “cyclic sighing” essentially) for calming and centering myself on demand
•  wRite: Publish at least 25 works (blogs, podcasts, papers, webinars, etc) and write at least 1 new chapter for my “Credo” book as a blog post
  • I totally failed on the Credo chapters, again – maybe time to rethink this one
  • However I did publish 33 works! And that’s not counting my witty and insightful LinkedIn posts, lol
• Relax (creatively): No goals for this one this year – relax!
  • I feel much more relaxed, less harried, and still fulfilled
•  Reflect in my gratitude journal “every” day
  • Like meditation, this one is part of my morning routine that I let fall apart with my ankle…
  • I feel like I am back on track as I write this, at least for regular journaling

Projects

Doing things for others.

• NAF: Successfully hold AutoCon 3 in Prague in May and AutoCon 4 in the US in November
  • Did we ever! Both great events. Thanks again to everyone who helps make these happen!!!
• ???: Start a new project that plays to my unique strengths and passions
  • This was “in stealth” when I wrote my goals, and I did indeed launch Khadga Consulting

Money

The spice must flow!

• Collect at least $X in gross profit (this year it’s just enough to cover lifestyle plus moderate savings)
  • We didn’t starve, didn’t miss a bill – mission accomplished
• Invest $Y in retirement brokerage accounts (keep this going, while focusing more on building for the future)
  • We maxed out our individual 401k contributions again!
• Maintain $Z in “cash” savings (a lower bar during this year of establishing new projects; as long as we don’t dip further into savings, we win)
  • We actually did dip into savings a bit, but we’re on track to pay that back to ourselves in 1Q26

That’s It

That’s all I got. Thanks for reading. See you out there.